The Journey Back
by Jaye Reid
Summary: Life doesn't always take the path we expect.


Title: The Journey Back.  
  
By Jaye Reid   
  
Commenced: 24th November 2000   
Completed: 14th November 2001  
  
Disclaimer: theirs not mine. If they were mine, I wouldn't be living here, I'd be living somewhere North of Union Station in this really amazing loft apartment with this gorgeous guy who. . . (okay so I am digressing here!) DPB and CBS own 'em!   
  
Category: S, Angst, R. Despite this, it is a shipper! (H&M)  
  
Spoilers: Anything up to the end of season 6. This was written before we knew Mic & Renee were leaving.  
  
Rating PG13.   
  
Summary: Life doesn't always take the path we expect.  
  
Archiving: "Degree of Denial"  
http://users.mcmedia.com.au/~jayereid/jagindex.htm  
  
Author notes: Hey! Remember me??  
OMG! It took me nearly a year to finish this... It was started, put aside, picked up again, put back down again... I had some major life issues interfere. Well you get the picture. Then I put it away for another 9 months! Go figure! This fic contains major angst and tragedy for main characters. If you think this will offend you then I suggest you hit the delete button now. Hopefully most of you will be prepared to take the journey. Thanks to Leanne for her medical/technical help, Aim for a once over and encouragement and Bridget for once again beta reading.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"Bud, when Corporal Larsen said he wasn't there that day, I knew Corporal McManus had to be lying," said Harm as they strode back towards the main JAG office building.  
  
"It was a good pick up Sir," said Bud enthusiastically. "Ah Sir... is that an ambulance outside the main door?"  
  
Harm followed Bud's gaze across the car park, "Sure is Bud. I wonder what's going on?"  
  
Both men walked quickly inside and took the elevator to their floor. The scene that greeted them when the doors opened was total chaos. Staff were milling around and there were paramedics in the office.  
  
Milling around Mac's office.  
  
Harm quickly crossed the room, but was stopped by the Admiral from entering.  
  
"Sir? What the...?"  
  
"We don't know," AJ cut in, as he held the door closed. They couldn't hear what was going on within the office. Inside the room the paramedics where working on Mac, preparing to transfer her from the floor, where she lay, to a stretcher.  
  
"Blood pressure is low," said one paramedic to the other as she removed the sphygmomanometer from Mac's arm.  
  
"There's a fair amount of blood loss too," replied the other paramedic. "Ma'am... other than the abdominal pain, is there pain anywhere else?"  
  
Mac nodded as she whimpered through the pain, tears streaming down her cheeks.  
  
"Okay, where? Shoulder pain?" asked the female paramedic.  
  
Again Mac merely nodded.  
  
"How far along are you Ma'am?"  
  
Mac looked from her face to the other paramedic.  
  
"You are..."  
  
Mac closed her eyes and nodded quickly again. She couldn't bring herself to answer. If she did, she knew she would be acknowledging something she had tried to avoid all week.   
  
Mac tried to hold her hands up to them as excruciating pain ripped its way through her body. She tried focusing on her hands through the pain. Holding the fingers out on both hands before tucking one of her thumbs in.  
  
"Nine weeks Ma'am?" questioned one 'medic.  
  
Mac dropped her hands to her stomach again and nodded.  
  
"We're going to get you to the hospital. Hang in there okay," one said, before they counted and lifted Mac on to the stretcher.   
  
AJ opened the door to let them through. "Gunny - lift open - NOW!"  
  
"Yes Sir," he replied, before hurrying to the lift.  
  
The sheer panic in Mac's face as they wheeled her passed, shook Harm's resolve.  
  
"I'm going with her," stated Harm.  
  
"Commander, I don't know if..." started AJ.  
  
"Sir, I wasn't asking. I'm going with her," Harm replied abruptly. He shoved his briefcase and the files onto the nearest desk and followed the paramedics to the lift.  
  
"Admiral, Sir," said Bud as he approached his CO. "I don't think Commander Rabb appears to be in any fit state of mind to go with them."  
  
"Lieutenant Roberts, *you* could hold him back? I sure as hell don't think I could."  
  
"She's going to be okay isn't she?" Bud asked as the officers stood and watched as the elevator doors close.  
  
"I hope so Bud. But standing around here worrying isn't going to help. Back to work people!" bellowed the Admiral.  
  
~*~  
  
Harm took Mac's hand as they traveled down to the ground floor.  
  
"It's going to be fine Mac," said Harm, trying to sound reassuring.  
  
She shook her head furiously, as the tears of pain continued to flow. She couldn't bring herself to speak to anyone.  
  
"Yes it is," he continued, trying to brush the tears from her cheeks. It was a wasted effort as they continued to stream.  
  
Harm had no idea what was going on, but he was damn sure he wasn't leaving her side until he did.  
  
"We're taking her to Bethesda," said the female paramedic, as the doors opened to the ground floor.  
  
"I want to come with her," said Harm, holding on to Mac's hand tightly.  
  
"And you are?" the medic questioned.  
  
"Commander Harmon Rabb Junior. I'm Colonel Mackenzie's partner."  
  
"Commander, we really need to contact Colonel Mackenzie's next of kin," replied the medic taking Harm to one side.  
  
"I believe I *am* recorded as her next of kin," replied Harm.  
  
The medic looked across to his co-worker, and they nodded to each other.  
  
"Okay, but we need you to ride up front," he replied as they loaded Mac into the back of the vehicle.  
  
Harm watched on helplessly at the open door of the ambulance as they placed an oxygen mask over her face.  
  
"Okay Colonel, we're going to set up an IV here," said one as they worked on stabilizing her.  
  
Once the bung was in place, the other 'medic exited the back and closed the door. "You'd better get in if you're coming with us," he told Harm.  
  
Still in a daze of worry, Harm climbed into the vehicle. The sound of the screaming siren reverberated in his head on the way to the hospital.  
  
  
~*~  
  
Harm jumped out of the ambulance the second it came to a halt at the ED of the hospital.  
The paramedics were quick to get Mac out and inside the building.  
  
"What have we got?" asked a doctor meeting them in the doorway, flanked by two nursing staff members.  
  
"Sarah Mackenzie, JAG lawyer over at Falls Church. She collapsed with abdominal pain. Loss is pretty heavy. She's nine weeks gone," the paramedic informed the doctor as they wheeled her in. Harm was having keeping up with them physically, as well as with the details they were providing. The paramedic continued. "Her BP is 90 over 50, we've set up an IV of Ringers lactate. Other than the obvious abdominal pain, she's got shoulder pain, both shoulders."  
  
"Okay, Sarah? Can you hear me Sarah?" one of the nurses asked calmly.  
  
Mac had been lying on the stretcher with her eyes firmly closed, trying to focus on something to block out the pain. Her mind swirling in a whirlpool of pain. The oxygen mask was claustrophobic. She opened her tear-filled eyes to look at the person who spoke to her.  
  
"Sarah... we're going to take you through an see what's happening, okay?" the nurse continued.  
  
Mac nodded.  
  
The other nurse held Harm back as they wheeled Mac into the ER.  
  
"I'm sorry, you will have to stay out here," she said.  
  
"But I have to..." started Harm looking at the closed door anxiously.  
  
"No, look. We might have to send her up to surgery. Do you know how to contact her..."  
  
"He's her partner," interrupted one of the paramedics. "Commander..."  
  
"Rabb," said Harm.  
  
"Sorry, Commander Rabb. He's another JAG lawyer and apparently Ms Mackenzie's next of kin."  
  
"Thanks Gerry."  
  
"No worries," he replied. "Look we have to get going. I'm sure she will be fine, she's in good hands here."  
  
"Thanks," Harm responded weakly.  
  
"Okay, Commander Rabb. Do you know if Sarah has been a patient here before? We can move things along much quicker if we already have her details on file."  
  
"Yes, she has," he replied. "Look, can you tell me what the hell is going on?"  
  
"I'll see what I can find out," replied the nurse, giving Harm a reassuring pat on the arm. She then disappeared through the doors as well.  
  
Harm stood staring at the closed doors for a few minutes before noticing a row of chairs up against a wall. He sat for a few more minutes before again getting restless and started to pace. Harm was glad he didn't possess Mac's knack for time, or he knew he'd be counting the seconds.  
  
After what seemed like hours, which was in reality not more than 15 minutes, another nurse appeared.  
  
"Commander Harmon Rabb?" she questioned.  
  
"Harm," he replied.  
  
"Okay Harm. I was told you are Ms. Mackenzie's partner and next of kin?"  
  
"Yes I am. Can you tell me what is... is she alright?" he asked anxiously.  
  
"If you could just follow me, we need you to sign some papers," she replied.  
  
"Papers?" he questioned.  
  
"Yes, really it's an emergency procedure, but since you are here. She's sedated at the moment and they are prepping her for surgery."  
  
"Please, can you just tell me what is going on?" Harm asked for what he felt was for the one-hundredth time.  
  
"Well... to start with, the pregnancy was unfortunately eptopic..."  
  
"What? Mac is pregnant?" he asked in shock.  
  
"Was. She hadn't told you? Oh... I'm so sorry. Not the best way for you to find out. Sometimes women do prefer to wait until after the first trimester until they tell people. But usually their partners..."  
  
At this piece of information, Harm suddenly realized that they had misunderstood his partnership with Mac was not on a personal level. He tried to open his mouth to explain, but the words wouldn't come out.  
  
By this time, they were at the desk.  
  
"If you could just sign these now, I can let them know the paperwork is done. We can grab a coffee if you like and I can explain to you what's going on," she continued.  
  
Harm took the pen offered and scribbled his signature on the forms. That done, he followed the nurse to a lounge area and sat heavily into a chair.  
  
"Coffee?" she asked.  
  
"No... no thank you," he replied, as he ran his hand through his hair. He was trying to comprehend the nightmare that was unfolding around him, and failing dismally.  
  
He debated with himself whether to explain his relationship with Mac. To tell them they were merely friends, and only partners professionally. Would Mac be upset if he knew what was wrong? He hoped not. He was worried about her and he hoped that would count for something when he was finally able to speak to her. He needed to know what was going on, reminding himself that he *was* technically her next of kin anyway.  
  
"You said you didn't know she was pregnant?" the nurse repeated, as she sat at the table opposite him.  
  
"No, I didn't. How far..." he hesitated. Did it really matter now anyway?  
  
"She told the paramedics nine weeks. I'm really sorry you had to find out this way," she added.  
  
Harm merely nodded.  
  
Mac had sent Brumby packing just over a month before. One too many assumptions on Mac's views by Mic, had pushed her over the edge. Apparently he had already left the country, now there was nothing to keep him in Washington. Harm wondered whether Mac was aware she was pregnant at the time?  
  
"Do you understand what an eptopic pregnancy is?" the nurse continued.  
  
Harm furrowed his brow. "Sort of... but not really," he replied. Not too sure if he really *wanted* to know too much.  
  
"Okay, well basically what happened was the embryo lodged itself within the fallopian tube rather than the uterus. The ultrasound we did when she arrived showed this had actually caused the fallopian tube to rupture. Thankfully it looks like we got her in time," the nurse informed him.  
  
"In time? Looks like?" Harm stammered, still trying to take all the information in and process it.  
  
"Left any longer, we may have lost her. She's a fighter that's for sure," the nurse added.  
  
Harm couldn't comprehend the thought of Mac not being there.  
  
She was always there.  
  
"How long... how long will she be in surgery? When can I see her?" he managed to ask.  
  
"They have to repair the damage. Look it doesn't mean that she won't be able to conceive again. It might just take a little longer next time, that's all," she said reaching over and patting him on the arm. "She could be in surgery for a couple of hours before she is back in recovery. She'll be heavily sedated, but you should be able to see her."  
  
"Okay... thank you," Harm mumbled.  
  
"Is there anyone else you'd like to contact in the meantime? Any other family?" she asked.  
  
"No, not at the moment," Harm replied.  
  
"Well... look. If you want to wait, I'll take you up to the obstetrics floor. There is a lounge up there and they will find her a room up there after recovery," she replied, finishing her coffee and tossing the foam cup in the rubbish bin.  
  
~*~  
  
The nurse took Harm upstairs and spoke to the staff at the nurse's station before pointing him towards one of the lounges.  
  
He sat for a while, flicking through out of date magazines to try and distract his mind from the current situation.  
  
After awhile Harm decided to walk around. He came across the nursery and looked in through the large observation windows. Some babies sleeping, some crying, others taking in their new surroundings. Sarah had been going to have one of these, he thought to himself. If everything had worked out for her, she would have had her own. Harm felt a twinge of jealousy and then guilt. If everything had worked out, she would have had Mic's child, not his. He was angry with himself, that at a time like this, he could be thinking so selfishly. He knew he had to focus on Sarah and help her deal with this.  
  
~*~  
  
As he headed back to the lounge area, he heard someone calling his name. He turned to find Renee walking towards him.  
  
"Harm, you're okay," she stated, sounding relieved and drawing him into a hug.  
  
He stepped back and looked at her. "Renee, what are you doing here?"  
  
"Lunch Harm, remember? We were meant to be having lunch," she said, now sounding annoyed. "You didn't show up, so I phoned the office. They told me you were here. I was so worried. I didn't stop to ask *why* you were here. When I got here, they said you *weren't* here. I didn't know what to do. I mentioned you were a JAG lawyer, they directed me up here. Harm, this is like what... a maternity ward or something... why are you up here?"  
  
Harm only half listened to her ramble once her voice had taken on *that* tone. The one that told him she was thinking only of herself and how *she* felt. He barely noticed that she had stopped talking.  
  
"Harm!" she demanded, "What is going on?"  
  
Harm opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a nurse.  
  
"Commander Rabb?"  
  
Harm spun around. "Yes, yes I am."  
  
The nurse called him aside, and spoke quietly. "We have Ms. Mackenzie back in a room. She came through surgery well. She lost a lot of blood and required a transfusion. We have her sedated, but you can go in for a short while."  
  
"Okay, thank you," he replied and went to follow her.  
  
"Harm?" Renee questioned quietly.  
  
He'd almost forgotten Renee was there in the relief that Mac had made it through. He glanced at her and then back to the nurse. "Ah, I'll be half a minute," he said to the nurse.  
  
"I'll just be at the nurses station," she replied, leaving him alone with Renee.  
  
"What happened to Mac?" Renee asked.  
  
"She was... look Renee, I really don't think I should..."  
  
"She's pregnant isn't she?" stated Renee.  
  
Harm stared at Renee in disbelief.  
  
"It's one of those women's intuition things," Renee shrugged knowing she was right, considering the look on his face.  
  
Somewhere Harm found his voice again. "She was," he replied.  
  
"Was it yours?" Renee questioned, stiffening her shoulders as she spoke.  
  
"Renee! I can't... you think... I can't *believe* you just asked me that!" he spluttered.  
  
"It needed to be asked," she replied coldly. "I know how you feel about her. How you look at her. You're like a kid in a toyshop. You want the most expensive toy even though you don't have enough money to buy it. I suppose you have always hoped Santa would bring it for you."  
  
"No Renee. Her child *wasn't* mine. I still can't believe you asked me. Do you have so little trust, so little... I'm stunned Renee," he continued, dumbfounded.  
  
"I needed to know," she replied.  
  
"Look Renee, we are *not* having this conversation here. Now, Mac is my friend and I'm going to see how she is. I'll catch you later," he replied.  
  
"Maybe... maybe not," Renee briskly replied, before stalking out.  
  
Harm stood shaking his head as he watched her go. He decided he wouldn't allow himself to be bothered by her comment. All he wanted to do was focus on Mac and what she needed.  
  
He headed to the nurses station and was taken to Mac's room.  
  
She was tucked neatly into the bed, her complexion almost mirroring that of the crisp white sheets surrounding her. Mac looked frail and helpless. Her right arm lay above the covers, bandaged and splinted with an IV line running from it.  
  
"The mask?" queried Harm in barely a whisper to the nurse as he stood in the doorway.   
  
"It's okay, it's oxygen. We'll remove it when she starts to come out of it more," she replied. "You can sit with her if you like. I'll be back in half an hour to do her obs."  
  
"Thanks," replied Harm, still standing in the doorway.  
  
The nurse gave him an encouraging smile. "Physically she's going to be fine. Emotionally well... you will both need to work through this together. She's strong, and it doesn't mean you won't be able to have another baby. Just let her know you love her and you'll be there for her."  
  
Harm nodded silently.  
  
"And, if *you* need to talk about this, don't be afraid to ask either," she added as she started to leave. "Sometimes the Dad's get forgotten in the aftermath. It's your loss just as much as hers."  
  
Harm stood and stared at Mac. He couldn't bring himself to correct the misunderstanding. It had gone too far. He theorized they probably wouldn't have allowed him there if they thought he was anything less than the man in her life.  
  
~*~  
  
He walked in and pulled a chair closer to the bed to sit down. Carefully he took her hand through the railings, not wanting to disturb the IV attached. Harm ran his fingers over hers, all the way down to the perfectly manicured fingernails. He hadn't the opportunity to study them at this close detail before.  
  
"You're going to be okay Sarah," Harm whispered softly. "I promise you, I'm going to make sure you get through this."  
  
Harm sat holding her hand as she lay silently. He felt her hand twitch beneath his on several occasions, but her eyes remained closed. He was wondering how long it would take for her to come out of the anesthetic properly when her hand suddenly flew to her face as she pulled at the oxygen mask.  
  
Harm grasped her hand, pulling it back down to her side. He was worried she might dislodge the IV attached to it.  
  
"Mac... Sarah... it's okay. Just calm down Marine. You're okay," he said soothingly as he held her hand down with one of his whilst gently rubbing his fingers across her forehead with the other.  
  
She blinked up at him through a hazy fog. Harm felt the resistance in her hand subside as he stroked his fingers over hers. She had focused finally and knew he was there.  
  
"That's it, just breathe nice and steady," he continued. He could see the pain in her eyes, and he knew she would have so many questions that needed answering.  
  
"Ah she's awake," stated the nurse entering the room. "My timing is good. I just need to do your obs. Ms. Mackenzie. My name is Lizzy."  
  
"Do you need me to leave?" Harm asked.  
  
"Not just yet if you don't want to," she replied as she reached for Mac's wrist and counted pulse beats with her watch as a guide. She put Mac's arm down gently and went to the chart at the end of the bed, opening it out on the table in front of her.  
  
Harm cringed, as the Velcro on the sphygmomanometer was ripped open after it had been checked. He didn't know why, but he had always hated that sound.  
  
Mac lay there watching. Her eyes deviating between Harm and the nurse.  
  
Mac's temperature was recorded before the nurse pegged the monitor on one of her fingers to check her blood oxygen levels. She looked at the reading and smiled to Mac as she removed it.  
  
"Back to normal. Let's get that uncomfortable mask off you," she said reaching over.  
  
"You're not wrong," Mac replied weakly as it was removed.  
  
Harm was finally relieved to hear her voice. It was as if he'd forgotten how good she sounded.  
  
"Now, I just need to check the dressing in case..."  
  
"I'll just wait outside," said Harm abruptly, allowing Mac some privacy.   
  
He stood outside her door, his back against the wall, waiting.  
  
Soon the nurse was in the doorway beside him. "She's doing fine. You can go back in for now if you like."  
  
"Thank you," replied Harm as he turned and headed back to his chair.  
  
"Hey there," he said gently.  
  
"Hey yourself," she replied sleepily.  
  
"You're going to be okay Sarah,' he offered.  
  
"You know don't you?" she managed to ask through the fog around her mind.  
  
"Yeah, I know," he replied. He decided it was now or never to make his admissions. "They sort of misunderstood what sort of partners we are. And... well I guess I didn't do anything to clarify the situation either. So, they told me."  
  
Her only response was a slow nod.  
  
"I'm sorry, I guess I should have said something. But I was worried and..."  
  
Mac gently shook her head, indicating to him to stop. The action scattered her hair across her pillow.  
  
"Saves me trying to explain. And they thought... thought it was yours? Hmm... I think I want to sleep now," came the mumbled reply as she closed her eyes again.  
  
Before he really had the chance to answer her question, she had already fallen asleep again.  
  
~*~  
  
"Commander Rabb?"  
  
Harm woke abruptly, disorientated at first, before realizing he had fallen asleep in the silence of Mac's room. He looked at the Admiral standing in the doorway and then to his watch. Nearly two hours were lost to him in sleep. He was glad the nurses had let him sleep when they had been in to do their half hourly observations.  
  
He looked to Mac, still fast asleep, before levering himself wearily from the chair and headed to the hallway to talk to their CO.  
  
"How is she?" AJ asked seriously, feeling like a worried parent.  
  
"Out of the woods apparently. They said it could have easily gone the other way. They had to transfuse her," Harm replied.  
  
"I spoke to Harriet and she made a few *suggestions* regarding the cause of Mac's collapse," AJ continued.  
  
"And they were?" asked Harm, not willing to tell even their CO. Mac hadn't told him or any of her other friends obviously, and she might have wanted this to remain the status quo. Typical tough Marine attitude, thought Harm. She figured she could handle any and everything by herself.  
  
"Harriet suspected appendicitis or miscarriage. And considering I find her in the obstetric ward rather than the general ward - I hazard a guess at which one was closer to the truth," he replied.  
  
"I think it is for Mac to fill you in on the details, if she wishes," replied Harm.  
  
AJ nodded. He knew that this would be Harm's tact on the matter. "What I need to know however, is exactly how *you* are in involved in this?" AJ questioned.  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Okay, I'm going to take this on two levels here. Friend first, CO second. I'm going to do some straight talking here Harm, and I expect the same back from you."  
  
"Sir, what do you..."  
  
"I'll ask the questions at this point in time," AJ interrupted. "Firstly, when I arrived up here, I was told the Colonel's 'boyfriend' - quote unquote, was in with her. And I find you. Do you have something you wish to tell me?"  
  
"No sir."  
  
"No sir?" AJ repeated.  
  
"Sir, when they asked me initially who I was, I told them I was her partner. When I told them I am also recorded as her next of kin, they put two and two together and got five. By the time I realized the misunderstanding, well they were about to launch into what happened, and honestly at that point, I didn't care what they thought."  
  
"So, you are privy to personal information regarding Colonel Mackenzie under false pretenses?" asked AJ.  
  
"Yes Sir, I am. But I made Mac aware of this fact when she woke," Harm answered.  
  
"Her reaction?" asked AJ.  
  
"Well... she said it saved her having to explain it to me," Harm replied.  
  
"Okay then," nodded AJ before continuing. "The situation Mac found herself in and the departure of Mic Brumby? I need to know what I'm dealing with here?"  
  
"Dealing with? With all due respect, I think you should be speaking to Mac about this," Harm replied.  
  
"Harm, I'm speaking to you as a friend here. If there is going to be any problems, I think I need to know so I can help sort this out," AJ instructed.  
  
Harm shook his head. I couldn't believe he had been put under scrutinization twice in the one day. What made these people think that he and Mac could have...  
  
"Okay, as a friend," said Harm. "I was not the father of her child. As far as who was, I can only assume the answer is Mic. And as for what happened between Mac and Brumby for the relationship to be over, well... it's nothing to do with me."  
  
AJ raised a questioning eyebrow at this comment. He had a strong suspicion the relationship break down between his Chief of Staff and her Australian fiancé, or whatever he was, had a great *deal* to do with Harmon Rabb Junior.   
  
"What do you need to say to me as my CO?" asked Harm, now bracing himself.  
  
AJ stiffened, this had to be said. "The manner in which you left the office today was less than professional. I expect better of my senior officers. Is that understood?" AJ stated firmly.  
  
"Yes Sir!"  
  
"Good. Now, if I'm not mistaken, Colonel Mackenzie appears to be awake in her room, so I suggest you move your six back in there," AJ commented. He could see Mac watching them across the hall through her open door.  
  
Harm looked into her room and gave her a smile. "Yes sir. Are you going to come in and..."  
  
"Not today," interrupted AJ. "If you could give Mac by best and let her know I will call tomorrow?"  
  
"Yes, I will," Harm replied.  
  
"And Rabb... one more thing. I don't want to see you in the office tomorrow either. With the McManus case finished with, I'm sure Bud can handle the Serin deposition by himself. I anticipated the Colonel requiring time off, and I have divided up her workload between everyone else," said AJ.  
  
"Thank you Sir."  
  
"Rabb, you and Mac are part of my family. I look after my family," he stated, and with that, he left.  
  
~*~  
  
"Hi again sleepyhead," said Harm with a crooked smile, as he walked to her.  
  
"The Admiral doesn't want to see me?" she asked looking passed him to the empty doorway.  
  
"He said he'd come by tomorrow and see how you are," Harm replied. "So, how are you feeling?"  
  
"Like I've been hit by a truck," she replied sinking back into her pillow.  
  
"Do you want me to get you anything?" he asked. "I mean, you've got nothing here."  
  
"Not anymore," she said sadly.  
  
"Sorry bad choice of..."  
  
"No Harm, don't be sorry. I'm the one who..." She stopped mid sentence and looked away. There was an awkward silence settling between them.  
  
"Jingo," she said.  
  
"How about I take him to my place?" he asked.  
  
"Harm I don't want you to go to..."  
  
"It's no trouble Mac. Actually it would be easier if he was at my place," interrupted Harm.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Would I offer if I wasn't?" he replied. "I'll get a few other things for you."  
  
"Like what?" she questioned as she yawned.  
  
"Oh I don't know. How about your toothbrush for starters?"  
  
"Oh yeah... I guess... I don't have... Sorry, my brain isn't... too many drugs."  
  
"That's okay, you get some more sleep Marine," he said as he leaned over her and planted a kiss on her forehead. "I'll be back later."  
  
"Thanks Harm."  
  
"That's what friends do, Mac," he replied before leaving.  
  
~*~  
  
When Harm called back with a few of her things, Mac was asleep. Harm knew there would be plenty of time to talk.  
  
He headed home with Jingo to keep him company. After feeding Mac's dog, Harm settled back on his sofa. Jingo padded softly over to him and put his chin up to Harm's knee before whimpering.  
  
"I know fella," said Harm scratching the old dog behind an ear, "I'm worried about her too."  
  
~*~  
  
Harm stopped off at a florist on his way to visit Mac the next morning. Not that he thought they would cheer her up. He doubted anything would make her feel any better at the moment.  
  
He took the elevator up to her floor and headed for her room.  
  
"Excuse me, but visiting hours aren't until..." started one nurse seeing Harm stroll past the nurses' station.  
  
Harm stopped and looked at her.  
  
"It's okay," another interrupted another. "Commander Rabb, out of uniform. I barely recognized you."  
  
Harm looked down at his faded blue jeans and the dark green shirt he hadn't bothered to tuck in.   
  
"Sorry, when can I..." he began.  
  
"It's fine, family are fine. I think Sarah could do with seeing you. She had a fairly rough night," the nurse continued.  
  
"Thanks," he replied, giving them one of his trademark smiles.  
  
He continued down the halls and knocked softly on her half closed door, before pushing it open a little more.  
  
"Can I come in?" he asked softly.  
  
Mac turned her face away from the window she had been gazing absent-mindedly through. There was nothing she could see other than the sky. She gave him a slight smile.  
  
"Sure Flyboy."  
  
"I brought you these," he said, holding up the flowers before placing them on the table beside her. He pulled the chair over to the bed, where he had sat the day before.  
  
"Thank you, they're beautiful... but you didn't have to," she replied.  
  
"No, but I wanted to," he offered. "So, feeling any better this morning?"  
  
"A little. They had me up and moving earlier. Still hurts if I move the wrong way," she replied, obliviously rubbing her lower stomach.  
  
Harm nodded silently. He wasn't sure how much she wanted to tell him, so he thought it best to let her go at her own pace. Of course, if she clamed up altogether, he would take steps to rectify the situation.  
  
"So."  
  
"So? What Harm?" she asked.  
  
Harm stopped and thought for a second. When did talking to her become so hard? Safe topic, he had to think of one, and fast.  
  
"I brought a few things in for you last night, but you were asleep," he said.  
  
"Yes, I know. Thank you."  
  
"Jingo is over at my place still. I took him for a long walk last night after I fed him. I think I wore him out," Harm chuckled.  
  
"Harm?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Why don't you ask what you really want to ask?" she said.  
  
"I don't think I have the right to ask you any questions Mac," he replied shifting awkwardly in his chair.  
  
"You're my friend still aren't you Harm? I know we haven't been really close lately, but we *are* still friends?" she asked.  
  
"Of course," he said, trying to give her a reassuring smile.  
  
"Mind you, all I have heard from the nursing staff once I came around is how lucky I am to have a guy like you to go home to," she added.  
  
"Mac, I'm sorry about that... I never meant to deceive... well, maybe I did. I just wanted to know if you were okay," he replied defensively.  
  
"I'm not saying I am annoyed with you about it Harm," she replied.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"What Harm? Try to at least put more than one syllable together for me here. It makes having a conversation so much easier," she complained.  
  
"Have you phoned Mic yet?" he asked, wondering how he managed to say anything let alone that!  
  
"No, there's no need to," she replied.  
  
"Are you sure Mac?"  
  
"I never told him," she replied, trying to sound calm.  
  
"Can I ask why?" Harm continued.  
  
"I only found out last week, and really I hadn't decided what I was going to do about it," she added.  
  
"Do about it?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Harmon Rabb, don't give me that holier than thou look! You can't understand, you wouldn't understand. And as it turned out, the Sarah Mackenzie curse strikes again anyway," she snapped.  
  
"You are not cursed Mac. That's rubbish and we both know it," he said abruptly.  
  
"Well Harriet lost baby Sarah. If she had been given any other name, she would have been fine."  
  
"Mac, look. I'm not trying to be judgmental. I would never judge you on any of your actions, you know that. I was just thinking that if I was Mic, I would have wanted a say in your decision," he said, trying to alleviate any further anger.  
  
"If this had been your child Harm, I wouldn't have had to think about whether or not to..."  
  
She stopped mid sentence and turned to the window.   
  
"Mac?"  
  
"Don't worry about it Harm," she replied, not wanting to face him after virtually telling him she wished the child she had been carrying had been his. Although she wondered whether she would have been able to cope with the current situation if it had? She felt guilty that she thought like this. That she wasn't sure whether she would have wanted Mic's child. She hated herself for thinking she couldn't go through with it. She honestly didn't know what she would have done. But that decision had been taken from her anyway.  
  
"You're shutting me out here Marine. Don't do that," he replied.  
  
"I'm not shutting you out Harm," she replied.  
  
"Mac, you *are* shutting me out. I should know, I graduated with honors from Harmon Rabb Junior, subject avoidance 101. I could write a book on it."   
  
Mac turned and gave him a faint smile. "Why is there never a witness around when you want one?"  
  
"I'm not going to push you Mac. I know how I feel when I'm pushed. Just remember I'm here when you want to talk about this, okay?" he stated.  
  
"Sure Harm. Anyway, shouldn't you get going? You should be at work," said Mac changing the topic away from herself.  
  
"The Admiral said to take the day. He's got everything under control. There's nothing for you to worry about," Harm replied.  
  
"But what about the Robinson case? I have to be back at work to..."  
  
"Forget it Mac. Forget work for awhile. You're having time off, Admiral's instructions," he replied.  
  
"He doesn't think I am capable to do my job?" she asked dejectedly as she closed her eyes.  
  
"Mac, come on. That's so far from the truth and you know it. He's worried about you. We all are. Now, I think I am going to let you rest. I'll be back later, okay?" said Harm as he stood and planted a soft kiss on her forehead.  
  
"You don't have to Harm. I'm sure Renee doesn't like the idea of me monopolizing your time."  
  
"That's another thing you don't need to worry about. Renee is my problem. And besides, what sort of heel would the nursing staff think your 'partner' was if I didn't come and visit you, eh? Mac, I'm here because I want to be. Get used to it Marine."  
  
"Flyboy!"  
  
"Jarhead!"  
  
"Squid!"  
  
"Much better Mac, much better. I'll see you a little later," he smiled.  
  
"Thanks Harm."  
  
"Don't mention it," he replied as he wandered out the door.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Good afternoon," said Harm to the nurses at the main desk on the ward.  
  
"Hello, you're here to see Ms Mackenzie aren't you?" one asked.  
  
"Yes. There isn't a problem is there?" he questioned as he stopped.  
  
"Oh no, no real problem accept the patient may be preparing a break-out," she replied with a laugh.  
  
"I see," replied Harm.  
  
"And I don't think her father helped pacify her either," she continued. "You might want to find a chair and take her down to the courtyard for a bit of fresh air."  
  
"Her father?" asked Harm, knowing very well that was impossible. The thought of Palmer and his many disguises, ran through his head for a split second.  
  
"Ahh... the Admiral? He *is* an Admiral isn't he? Family gatherings must resemble a defense force strategy meeting," she mused.  
  
Harm gave her a smile. Well the Admiral *did* say he looked on them as family. He remembered all the get togethers with the JAG staff, always a sea of uniforms. "Yes it does. So, the patient is getting restless eh? She can be one angry Marine when she wants to be," he joked.  
  
"Well I don't think we want to see that side of her, " laughed the nurse. "We have spoken to the doctor and they would be willing to discharge her in the morning under your care, if you can convince her she has to take it easy."  
  
Laughing to himself, Harm tried to visualize *anyone* getting Mac to do anything she didn't want. Unless of course it was a direct order form their CO. Deliberating for a second, he decided if she gave him any trouble, one phone call to the Admiral could organize that.  
  
"What time can she be discharged in the morning?" he asked.  
  
The nurse went back to her notes and flipped through a few pages. "The doctor should be around by 9 am. Let's say, 10 am?" she replied, looking up at Harm.  
  
"Thank you, I'll let her know. She should behave herself if she knows she's getting out," said Harm as he headed down the hall.  
  
As Harm rounded the corner towards Mac's room, he found her wandering precariously down the hallway.  
  
"Mac... what are you doing out here?" he questioned like a disapproving parent.  
  
"Walking. I'll go berserk lying in that bed. And besides, they said I should," she replied, like a defiant child.  
  
"Well go back to your room and I'll bring you a surprise," he replied.  
  
"Surprise? Harm...?"  
  
"Trust me Mac. Now come on, about face Marine," he chuckled waving his hands at her.  
  
"I'm not a chicken, Harm. I don't need shooing," she responded gruffly.  
  
"Well move then! I'll be back in a minute," he replied before heading back to the nurses' station.  
  
~*~  
  
Mac was sitting on the edge of her bed when Harm maneuvered the wheelchair into the room.  
  
"Harm, I'm not an invalid you know," she chastised.  
  
"But if you want to go outside for awhile, this is your chariot," he replied.  
  
Mac's eyes lit up. "Outside? Why didn't you say so?"  
  
"I just did," he chuckled.   
  
Mac tentatively sat in the wheelchair and looked up at Harm. "Ready to go."  
  
Harm pulled a blanket from the bed and folded it across her legs. "It's a bit cool out there," he commented.  
  
"Thank you," she smiled.  
  
~*~  
  
"Ohh... fresh air," said Mac as they left the building and entered the paved courtyard.  
  
"Not too fresh I hope?" he replied glancing down at her.  
  
"Just find me a sunny spot, and I will be happy," she replied.  
  
"That'll make a first for the day from what I hear," he stated. "I hear *Daddy* has been to visit too."  
  
"Sorry?" she returned.  
  
"The nursing staff thought the Admiral was your father," he joked.  
  
Mac laughed back. "Really? Why on earth would they think that?"  
  
"Who knows? They think we're more than friends."  
  
"Yes, they do," she replied softly.  
  
"Personally, I don't see any family resemblance between you and the Admiral, although the no nonsense attitude is similar I suppose," Harm grinned.  
  
"Watch it Commander," she threatened with a smile.  
  
Harm enjoyed seeing her smile. He thought it would be a long time before he saw that expression on her face. She looked tired, but seemed to be coping with the trauma from the past few days.   
  
"So... do you want to go home?" Harm asked as he sat on a bench beside her.  
  
"Yes, but I don't think Jingo qualifies as an acceptable caregiver," she remarked sarcastically.  
  
"Do I?"  
  
"Do you what?" she asked.  
  
"Qualify as an acceptable care-giver?"   
  
"Harm, I couldn't ask you to..."  
  
"Why not Mac? We're friends still. They think we're *partners*, remember? Do you want to blow this joint or not?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, but..."  
  
"No buts, settled. I'll collect you in the morning," Harm replied.  
  
"Are you sure you want to do this Harm? I mean considering..."  
  
"Considering what Mac?"  
  
"Considering... well... everything?" she continued.  
  
"I'm here aren't I?" he questioned.  
  
Mac nodded.  
  
"That should answer your question then," he replied.  
  
"I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed I guess," she replied. "Thank you Harm. I truly appreciate this. I don't know what I would do without you."  
  
"Well, I don't plan on you ever finding the answer to that," he said seriously. "You always told me, friends stick together, remember?"  
  
~*~  
  
After an hour of sitting outside, Harm took Mac back upstairs to her room. Amid complaints of him fussing, he saw her safely back in her bed, before leaving.  
  
He had a few stops to make before heading home, the first to the JAG office to request more leave. He knew he had plenty of time owing, but with Mac already out of action, he wasn't sure if they could spare him. Admiral Chegwidden was not overly keen on granting the leave, but he recognized the fact Mac needed to be supervised for a few days at least, to avoid her over-doing things. He knew how stubborn she could be when she wanted to.  
  
Next it was over to Mac's apartment. Harm opened her fridge to survey the contents. After relegating the milk, some cheese and several half eaten takeaway meals to the bin, there wasn't much left. An empty cereal packet sat on the kitchen bench and the couple of plates left in the sink looked like they were going to walk away by themselves if not washed soon. Harm filled the sink with steaming water and detergent before leaving them to soak. He wandered to her room, and found her laundry hamper half full of dirty clothes. Once he had stripped her bed, it was a full basket and he wandered to the laundry room. He decided if everything were done before she came home, she wouldn't be able to complain that she had things to do. Back in her apartment, he found clean linen and remade her bed. He always thought that there was nothing like fresh clean sheets to make a person feel better if they weren't well.  
As for himself, he decided he would bring his camp stretcher over to sleep on. The sofa, although comfortable to sit on, wouldn't suffice for sleeping.   
  
With the dishes and laundry done, Harm made himself a shopping list. He chuckled to himself. He knew what Mac would say if he filled the fridge with *his* type of food. He relented, knowing that he would have to buy a few things that he considered a health risk.   
  
~*~*~  
  
Mac had been ready and waiting to leave by the time Harm had arrived. She signed out quickly and they had been on their way.  
  
"Home sweet home," said Harm as he swung her door open.  
  
Jingo's claws clipped softly across the floor as he crossed the room to welcome his mistress. His tail wagged wildly and happily as she scratched his ear.   
  
"Hey ya there fella. Miss me did ya? Been good?" she asked her dog.  
  
"He's been fine Mac. Why don't you go and have a lie down," said Harm.  
  
"No... please. All I have done is lie in bed. Can I just sit on the sofa for a while?" she complained.  
  
Harm thought for a moment. "Okay, just for awhile. I'll make us some tea, and *then* you can go have a rest before lunch," he replied as he headed for the kitchen.  
  
"Thanks Harm," she called as he disappeared into the kitchen. "Oh Harm... I don't think the milk will be..."  
  
"It's okay, I threw it out yesterday, along with some other *questionable* substances in your refrigerator. They resembled a high school science experiment on growing bacteria," he called. "I did some grocery shopping yesterday too."  
  
"So what? You emptied the green stuff out of the fridge to replace it with your *preferred* green stuff?" she questioned.  
  
"Funny Marine. Yes there is some real food in there, but there is also some stuff in there that *I* wouldn't want clogging up *my* arteries," he replied.  
  
"My God, does that mean you actually went and bought me some *real* food?" she said in amazement. "That must have been hard for you to do?"  
  
"It wasn't that bad Mac," he replied as he stood in the doorway, waiting for the kettle to boil.  
  
"No I mean *finding* where the meat section *is* at the supermarket!" she laughed.  
  
"Funny Mac! Real cute," he replied, rolling his eyes at her.   
  
"Thank you, I try," she replied with a smirk, before a yawn escaped from her.  
  
"Mac, why don't you go to bed? I'll bring your tea in," said Harm sounding concerned.  
  
Mac sighed. She hated to admit it, but the drive home had taken so much more out of her than she would have expected. "Okay, but just because I feel like it," she replied.  
  
"Good. I'll be in with your tea in a few minutes. Do you need a hand?" he asked.  
  
"No thanks," she replied before leaning half on her side to lever herself up against the arm of the sofa. She straightened slightly before heading to her room.  
  
"Harm!" came the call a few minutes later. Harm left what he was doing and quickly ran to her room.  
  
"Mac! What's wrong," he asked panicked. Her body appeared, shrunken in the oversized T-shirt she was wearing.  
  
"Oh sorry Harm... I'm fine," she replied, seeing the look on his face. "I just wanted to know what happened to my clothes? I just went to throw the ones I had on into the laundry hamper, and it's empty. I'm sure I had clothes in there. Either that, or I am going mad."  
  
"Ohh, is that all? Mac pleasssee don't do that to me again. I was worried that something was wrong," he said, sounding relieved now. "The washing, well I did it yesterday, ironed it last night and attempted to put it away. I hope you don't mind. I just wanted everything to be done for you before you came home."  
  
"Harm you didn't have to..."  
  
"Mac, please. Stop saying that I didn't have to do this, didn't have to do that. I did, and that's that. Just accept that I am here to help, okay?" Harm complained.  
  
"Yes Sir," she laughed.  
  
"Now into bed Marine," he replied as he turned back to the kitchen.  
  
Mac grinned and stuck her tongue out at him like an irreverent schoolgirl. Then it suddenly struck her that she was happy. She shouldn't be happy, she thought. She shouldn't be joking like this.  
  
What right did she have to be like this?  
  
By the time Harm brought her tea, Mac's mood had become dour.  
  
"You okay Mac?" he quizzed, the small fragment of light that had been in her face had dissipated.  
  
"Fine, Harm. I guess I should let you get going."  
  
"I'm not going anywhere Mac. Don't think you get rid of me that easily Marine," he replied, trying to keep the conversation light.  
  
"You don't have to treat me like a baby Harm," she snapped. "I don't need babysitting."  
  
"I never said you did. But you will remember that the only reason they let you home was the fact that someone would be here with you," he replied, ignoring her changed mood.  
  
"Fine then."  
  
"You sure you're okay Mac? I don't know what..."  
  
"Look I'm fine!" She sighed. It was hard being mad at Harm at the best of times, but worse when she knew his intentions were so damn noble. "I guess I'm just a bit tired Harm. I don't think I really need this," she added as she held the cup back out to him.  
  
"Okay, sleep for a little while Mac," he replied as he took the cup from her and left the room. He knew there was no point in pushing the subject with her. She would talk if she needed to he hoped.  
  
~*~  
  
When Mac finally woke, three and a half hours later she noted, she was relieved to find her bedroom ceiling above her and not the one that greeted her in the hospital. Had Harm *really* brought her home or had she dreamt it? She could hear a song coming from her stereo that led her to believe it wasn't a dream. A long forgotten tune that had been buried in the back of her collection. She groaned as she wondered what other musical oddities of hers he had found?  
  
"Hey, better now?" he asked as she made her way to the sofa.  
  
"Yes, a bit. Where did you find that tape?" she asked as she stretched her legs out across the cushions.  
  
"I found all sorts of *interesting* tapes Mac. Your music tastes are some what..."  
  
"Disorientated?"  
  
"Well I was going to be more polite, but if you insist," he grinned.  
  
"What are you doing in the kitchen? I can smell something, and it smells good," she replied, changing the subject.  
  
"Dinner for tonight. I thought I would get a head start. But you must be hungry now," he asked.  
  
"I suppose I would be hoping too much if there was a double burger with onion rings and a thick-shake hiding in my kitchen somewhere?" she inquired.  
  
"Yes you would be, but how about a pastrami and salad sandwich - with mayo., and a fruit smoothie?" Harm replied.  
  
"Well Harm, if you are going to go out and get me something like that, you could just as easily get me the burger!"  
  
"I'm not going anywhere Mac. I'll make it," he replied shaking his head and going into the kitchen.  
  
"All those things are in *my* kitchen? And the walls are still standing?" she called in disbelief.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"Here you go," said Harm as he handed her a plate of food as she rested back into the sofa.  
  
"Hmm, looks good," she smiled.  
  
"I hope it..." Harm was interrupted by the sound of his cell phone ringing.  
  
"Where'd I put my... ah there," he said as he found his jacket and retrieved his phone from a pocket.  
  
"Hello?... Admiral Chegwidden... yes... yes she is... oh... okay... what about... no you're right, I should... I understand... thank you sir."  
  
"Problem?" queried Mac as Harm ended the call.  
  
"A Petty Officer on the US Stevenson decided he'd had enough of his bunkmate and strangled him. Well, that's what the charges are," he replied.  
  
"Let me guess, the Stevenson isn't in port at the moment, is it?" questioned Mac.  
  
"Ha! I wish. The Admiral has cancelled my leave. Bud and I are on a flight to Port Moresby at 0600 tomorrow."  
  
"Port Moresby? Papua New Guinea? Couldn't they have waited until they were in Norfolk before attacking each other?" she replied.  
  
"Well I'm going to try and prove otherwise. I've been assigned defense counsel. But my first and most pressing concern is to you Mac."  
  
"I'll be fine here Harm, don't worry about me," she replied.  
  
"Oh it's just when you tell me *not* to worry, that I get all the more concerned. I promised I'd look after you Mac. I don't like going back on my word. I'm not sure how long I'm going to gone," he said thoughtfully.  
  
"I don't need babysitting," she complained once again.  
  
"I know you don't Mac, but while you're recovering..."  
  
"I'm not 'recovering' Harm... I'm just... I'm not... going to have a baby anymore," she said quietly.  
  
"One day you will Mac, and you'll be the best mother any child could hope for."  
  
Mac shrugged her shoulders, "Maybe."  
  
"Not *maybe*. You *will* if I have anything to do with it," he replied earnestly. Harm sat down on the couch next to her and took her hand. "This wasn't your fault Mac. In no way was this your fault."  
  
She didn't look convinced. Harm lifted her chin with his free hand until she was looking at him.   
  
He repeated slowly and deliberately.  
  
"It *wasn't* your fault."  
  
She gave him a faint smile of acknowledgment.   
  
"Better," he said brightly. "Now, eat!"  
  
"I can't," she replied.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because you're still holding my hand Harm, and I need both of them," she whispered.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yes, 'oh.'" she coyly.  
  
"Well I should let your hand go then," he responded.  
  
"Ah huh."  
  
She waited.  
  
"Harm? You haven't let go yet."  
  
"I guess you're a Marine, so you could break my fingers quite easily if you wanted," he replied with a grin before letting go and making a move back towards the kitchen.  
  
"Harm?"  
  
"Yes?" he replied turning to look at her.  
  
"It might be nice if you wanted to hold my hand again *after* I've eaten," she smiled.  
  
"Eat your lunch Mac, I've made dessert," he smiled back.  
  
"A big jelly donut perhaps?" she asked, feigning as much excitement as she could muster.  
  
"Ha! Dream on Marine!"  
  
And as Mac watched his form disappear back into her kitchen, Mac decided that perhaps it *was* time to start dreaming again.  
  
  
  
The end. 


End file.
